Sunday, January 27, 2008
You Can Have What's Left of Me.
It's been a rough damn week. I was laid out for most of it with all kinds of sick. But a lot of things happened this week that pissed me off as well. And now that I am in recovery phase it seems like I've hit a stride of clarity.
There is a big realization I see, and that has a lot to do with how I have started to sign my name. Michael "Locoduck" Duron.
I think since certain fucked up events have transpired in my life, I've grown two separate sides of my personality. Disclaimer: Please do not confuse a mental disease with that of an analogy. Because I am clearly not one with multiple personalities.
But there are two sides to every coin. Locoduck is what I once was. Completely carefree, happy, full of life, laughter and love. Michael Duron is the side of me that is bitter, angry, cynical and generally pissed off at the world and the cards he has been dealt. But Loco is that side helping me to deal with the crap that is out there.
Of course we can put the whole personal life aside, because that in itself is what caused the split. What seemingly sent me into the deep end of the darkside.
But you know I have seen a lot of other things professionally and from an observers standpoint in others and in myself that I DO NOT LIKE. I am beginning to see entirely too much fakery and fantasy out there in people and their actions. And to a degree in mine.
One of the biggest roadblocks I have set for myself is in what I am trying to do artistically. I seem to be more and more trying to impress others and not enough of doing it for me. There was a passion there that made me pick up a pencil, and a gingerly flow that followed suite as a result. What I once drew, I drew for me, and if others wanted to partake in it, to enjoy or appreciate it, then all the better.
But now I seem to be doing it first in the hopes that others will take notice.
That shit stops now.
I have decided I am going to fall back into the flow and draw in a way that makes me happy. That helps set the nature of the beast back in order. If you'd like to look at it and even comment, please do so. If not well I could give two damns less.
Placating egos is another thing that I refuse to do any longer. Whilst some of it is genuine and well deserved, lately I find myself pushing the playback button on the praise player.
That shit stops now.
If I have something genuine to say to you, I will, and I will do it until the angels sing Hosannas on high. Because dammit you deserve it, and I'll be the first to polish your knob over it. But don't expect any fake fucking praise any more. Not clients, not friends, not family, not Mr insert your name here.
I just tire of hearing audible meaningless comments waterfall out of my mouth and fingertips (if I'm typing of course.)
I'm trying to find my inner peace once again. To re-align Michael "Locoduck" Duron into one upstanding joyous individual. Please be patient while this merger takes place.
Believe it or not, I had a pretty good day. I'll have some cool photos and stories to share next time. But for tonight that bitter pill had to vent. The good news is he feels much better now. The bad news is he drew his toon weekly entry while he wasn't doing so good.
I love you all . I really do. You know that's honest. Remember, I said I wasn't going to placate egos and bullshit for the sake of bullshitting anymore.
Have a nice week.